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IN CASE OF AN EARTHQUAKE - A memo from the HR Dept
The first days of work are full of risk, you could step on distinguished senior toes and remain blissfully unaware. Or go against the culture and be seen as a free radical. For instance "What do you mean 'why did I use the Executive Washroom?' I am an executive!", is one of the lesser things that can go wrong…more
Dear Friends,
We live in stressful times, both for people and for tectonic plates. All over the world earthquakes have caused many lives to be lost. This organization values people more than anything else (except maybe a bull run on NASDAQ). Which is why this memo has been issued, to protect you in the event of an earthquake.
Please read and follow carefully. The lucky few who can’t read are requested to use their common sense, and rescue those who can read.
Remember we are on the 12th floor
If you feel a tremor look out the window, if the city is still standing go back to work. If it isn’t there any more, you can still go back to work…what difference does it make now anyway?
Try not to panic and jump out the window. Employees on probation who do so will not have their services confirmed.
Save the company’s assets
If it looks likely that the building could come crashing down, save the important things. Enlist the help of a friend you trust more than anyone else… and carry the coffee machine safely out.
If you managed that, go back for that cute management trainee.
If a fire starts
Resist the temptation to throw your confidential report into the fire. Or even your immediate boss.
Find a fire extinguisher and douse the fire. A word of caution though, a fire extinguisher can be complicated to handle. Unlike your computer, it doesn’t have a mouse, and can be more than a NASA - returned programmer can handle. Do not hesitate to ask for help from seeming illiterates in the corridor. Trust them, they ran the Nation till the Net was invented.
The ladder from a fire engine is not the corporate one
Sometimes a brave fireman will venture up to your window on a ladder, now you can’t use that to go up, only down. We suggest you take it no matter how ambitious you are. Please don’t bump him off the ladder, corporate traditions don’t apply in this situation.
Also, don’t take the elevator on your way down, you could go from ‘hot’ to ‘burnt’ talent in 3 minutes flat. Do feel free to slide down the banister on your you-know-what, but ensure the heat generated isn’t higher than the heat you are trying to escape from.
If you meet a client while running from the fire
Slow down to a stroll, look cool and in control, put your hands in your pockets, whistle a lot. If he gives you a funny look when he sees you at a meeting next week, well…what else did you expect?
Or alternatively, if you meet the client while running, you could lie and tell him it’s a drill the company is having to prepare everyone for quakes. If there really is a major quake… you can admit the Company caused it. Clients have accused companies of far worse things.
Use the Net before you hit the stairs
Email your last will and testament to your lawyer. Keep a ready-to-go hate letter for that obnoxious superior, and email it, he might live to read it.
Mail your broker to buy, buy, buy…construction company shares.
This is also the best time to spill the beans about things you have on other people. Did someone get a kickback on a deal, and a promotion at the end of the year? Strike back, you have a click & brick(bat) solution.
Are you leaving the organization soon?
If you are in line for a VRS and golden handshake. We have some advice – JUMP.
If you stay longer they’ll add insult to injury. Take your chances with just injury.
Join some of the Silicon Valley HR pros, who after a day full of exit interviews, took the jump.
Instructions for security guards
Check briefcases of fleeing personnel for damaging documents. Any requests for a salary raise to be destroyed immediately.
Confiscate any fashion model portfolios found and hand over to HR Dept.
For those above the rank of Vice-president
Sir, please make your way in orderly fashion to the roof where a helicopter will be waiting. But remember, it holds only 5 besides the pilot. And there are 9 of you in the management. So do you get a seat? Well…how did you do in the last quarter?
Regards
HR Department
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